The wall has been bricked up!
I remember thinking that. I remember thinking that at that point in time, all of the opportunities I was afforded would cease. I remember thinking my world had come to an end. I believed that was it for me.
That’s how I felt when I initially heard the news- when I was initially diagnosed with lupus. And though my outer appearance resembled a cool, calm and collected individual, I was not! In fact, I was sweating bricks in my mind. I was loosing all of my bodily functions, slowly dying, on the inside. That’s how I felt as all of these crazy thoughts came rushing in like waves that would never return to whence they came.
Things would NEVER be the same…
And for the most part, they aren’t.
Back then I began to build up a brick wall. A wall that would keep me separated from it all. A brick wall to keep the doctors out. A brick wall to keep my family out. A brick wall to keep her and all of my feelings about having lupus out.
And it worked…
Because for one year, the brick wall that I built allowed me to keep my diagnosis a secret. It allowed me to spare others from throwing me a pity party. It kept me from having to speak about it-from having to accept it.
I could’t keep a secret! I just couldn’t anymore. I was like a pipeline ready to burst- I had to get it out. Holding in all of these feelings and emotions and hiding an illness by covering up its symptoms with “oh I think I’m getting sick” was getting to me. I was lying to family and friends about my whereabouts. “Job interviews” became my very own code word for doctor’s appointments-sad, I know. And all of my suppressed thoughts and feelings weren’t good for my health either (LITERALLY). I just knew it. It was gradually beginning to eat away at me. I was going to explode!
The brick wall had to come down.
Three years later it came down. The brick wall I had once built around my mind, my situation, and myself, had come down. It came down and suddenly I was unafraid to speak my truth. It came down and I no longer had to keep my diagnosis a secret. It came down and I no longer had to worry about whether anyone was going to throw me a pity party for sharing. These days I’ve accepted what I have. Yes, I do have lupus BUT it does not have me.
…And the bricks came tumbling down!